I’m Still Here, I Just Don’t Know What to Write Anymore

bougainvillea

The extent of my writing these days has been in my tarot journal (I pull a card daily) and the occasional social media caption for work. Sometime early this year, I stopped my daily morning habit of logging on to Tumblr after religiously writing there every day since lockdown started. Then there’s my newsletter, which I’ve been sending out every Sunday since late September. It’s mostly just random memories plus a simple recipe, which I write the morning of whenever I send it out.

Earlier this week, I reached a milestone. I was high on endorphins after completing a year of daily movement. And not even an hour later, I found myself crying because of a hurtful message someone sent. I don’t know if being confined indoors has made me extra sensitive or made that person insensitive. Either way, I’ve muted the app and it has done wonders for me even if it only has been a few days. I always tell myself that what people think of me isn’t my problem, but it hurts when someone you’ve known for a long time thinks of you in a way that you don’t intent to be. But I guess I’m just at the point where I’m done expending energy on people who aren’t open to hearing what I have to say simply because they don’t share my opinion. We don’t need to agree with each other all the time but just as I listen to what you have to say, allow me the same space at least.

It’s been 4 months of daily pulls and sometimes, I’ll sit down and backread my journal. It’s funny how I feel like it has been an endless loop of the same thing for the past 13 months or so, but it really hasn’t been the same. I’ll read about what I did two weeks ago, and I’ll surprise myself. Hoping to continue this habit, so I have something to look back on.

Pockets of joy

It’s lighting a new candle or getting the ratio of my condensada and coffee right. It’s also wearing jewelry even if I’m in pambahay. It’s getting kilig over a new show or a character and then obsessively watching everything I can find online about them. It’s a surprise package from a friend just because. It’s figuring out the right angle of the ring light, so it doesn’t show on your eyeglasses’ reflection. It’s a canceled Zoom on a day you’re feeling particularly blah. These days, I cling to the most mundane things that make me smile because that’s something I know I can control. I wrote in my journal: take note of your triggers, so you can avoid feeling bad or sad or at least you’re better prepared to deal with those feelings. I’m not naive. I know that things aren’t really better. There’s still a virus spreading across the country and the end is really not in sight. But I also don’t want to act like this all life is going to be like. It may look different for you, but I highly recommend finding whatever it is that gives you peace of mind. Whatever it is that will help you sleep soundly at night.

Have a little compassion

We all have bad days, but I don’t think it’s ever an excuse to be unkind or to get away with being mean. Choose your words carefully because it can have a great impact on the person you’re saying them to. Before lashing out on someone, take a step back and put yourselves in their shoes. And if you don’t have anything nice to say, just don’t say anything at all. Everyone has a breaking point but no one really knows that but them. Don’t push their buttons for the sake of riling them up. And if you’re on the receiving end of hateful words, bite your tongue. Throwing the same hate back at them just doesn’t ever end well. When the waters are calm again, go back and explain. Listen. Or just simply walk away. Life is short.

Be more intentional

Something I’ve started doing this year is to set an intention at the beginning of the week. It seems like there’s no place for lofty goals this time. I just want to make it to the end of the week feeling like I’ve followed through to a commitment I’ve made to myself. And I’m not talking major goals here. Sometimes, it’s just as simple as CELEBRATE. I told myself that I don’t need a reason to celebrate. I need it to motivate myself sometimes. At the end of the week, I see if I’ve stuck to my intention. If I miss a few days, I don’t give myself any grief for it. I tried, and that’s all I can hope for.

I still don’t know what to write here, but I just felt like I needed to again. I’m really not sure what this month will bring, but 2021 has been slow and steady for me. I hope it’s been the same to you.

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