How close is too close?

At the end of the day when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other? It’s usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to. And once we’ve chosen those people we tend to stay close by—no matter how much we hurt them—the people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close, but sometimes that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

—Don’t Stand So Close to Me, Grey’s Anatomy 3×10

I was sitting in Church tonight like any other Saturday night. Spaced out as usual just as the priest was beginning his Homily. And then, in spurts I heard the words “ready” and “heart.” Of course, the priest was talking about Christmas (it is after all the start of Advent). But for some reason my mind was drifting someplace else, which I know shouldn’t be the case. What can you do, right?

Last night, Ñapie and Pete dropped by to pick up something from my house and we talked for a bit outside my house. I was telling Niña how I grew more and more disgusted (at myself? at him? I don’t know.) with everything’s that happened now that it’s done. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think for even just one second that it could possibly turn out the way that it had. It had always been weird to everyone else, but I looked past that. Stupid? Risky? I’m not sure. It makes me do a double take and ask myself, “Is my heart really ready for this kind of beating?” I think it is but sometimes I’m not sure if I feel that it is. And so, here I am picking up the pieces yet again and I really have no one to blame but myself. I let it happen, I let myself be treated this way. It doesn’t make it right. It doesn’t lessen the hurt. But at least I don’t spend my nights crying into my pillow.

Not to say that I’ve sworn off the opposite sex (haha) or that I refuse to get close to any of them. But maybe this time around, I pray, that when someone comes around, I’ll feel that I’m ready. And I can only hope to God that this time, that person will be ready for me, too.

This emo post, my friends, was brought to you by Sugarfree, Snow Patrol, and Justin Timberlake. 😛

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